Can i not drive my cunt home
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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