I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just want nice things and good sex
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
