It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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