I wish my penis had an off switch
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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