alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
