I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Say something about gay babies.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
