So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
