U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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