I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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