I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Life is so much better after having sex.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
