Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
