So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
