I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
