wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
