i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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