In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
