Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
