just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
