He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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