I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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