you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
