I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
This house was built for laser tag.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
