Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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