I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
