im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
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