Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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