So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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