one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
