He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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