Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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