dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
How external is "for external use only"?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
