she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
