Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
