You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
