I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
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