Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
