I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
