it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
