Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
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