Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
