I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Terrible idea I love it
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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