How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
