i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
