don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
