I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
