listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
ugly people sure do ruin things
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
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