Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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