Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
