it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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