____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
