(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
